The end of a relationship for anyone is not without it's challenges but it is in these months that follow that one truly wonders how to fill the void. The sad thing is that at 46, nobody wants to have to think about starting over again. And yet, that being said, it is also not good to stay in a relationship that isn't working. I know now is the time that I should be evaluating how I have ended up in a relationship that just was not what I needed and why I not only ended up there, but why I stayed for 3 1/2 years trying my best to make it work.
Making it work seems to be what I am about. I guess I must have been successful at "making it work" in my 18 year relationship prior to this one but in the end it did not matter what I did or didn't do. The bottom line I suppose is that perhaps my new modus operandi should not be to make something work but rather to spend this time in between relationships increasing my self-awareness so I do not put myself or another poor soul through this again.
I know more than anyone that there are no guarantees when you meet a person and begin "dating" but what is not always apparent is that it takes time to figure out whether a relationship works. You have to go in first before you can ever find out your compatibility level and I think it is during this phase that I have a "too high" tolerance level and I do not see the signs with enough awareness that there may be incompatibility. I wish there was a manual written on this!
I can be hard on myself now but I do believe there are reasons why the signs do not necessarily scream out at me. Sometimes the other partner can want they relationship so badly that they actually obscure the truth. My old boyfriend is now "advertising" himself on Facebook seeking a new relationship and it is ironic that as I read his profile, I find myself shaking my head and saying "but that is a misrepresentation. What he writes here is not necessarily the truth."
It is interesting that life evolves around all types of relationships but when I am single it is still hard not to feel like I am somewhat "flawed". I know intellectually that this is just crazy but so much of what society operates around is oriented to couples. It's flawed logic because all a person has to do is to look around at the number of dissatisfied people who have partner's. Many of these people who are in relationships feel as though they are stuck. They are perhaps stuck in an unhappy union and feelings of love and belonging to something great have long since expired.
So, I wonder, is it our nature as human beings to never be satisfied with our plight? It is not that I am unhappy with where I am, it is more that I recognize I have to rethink my views of what it means to be a single person so I feel like I am perfectly where I ought to be. If I could turn old thinking patterns around, I might actually appreciate the fact that I am no longer in a relationship that is unhealthy for me. As well, I have been given the gift of time to figure out really who I am and what I want, and to question what went wrong and why.
And so... now begins the process of discovery and of facing my biggest fears.
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